This is a tough topic for me since it goes back to a time that is unpleasant. I feel that now, however, I am strong enough to face the past and move on. Being over weight has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. When I was in grade school through high school, I was always bullied because of my weight. During my high school years was the worst time. Not only was I teased at school, but I was also emotionally abused at home for one year when my mom married again.
I was happy for my mom for finding a "good guy" to take care of her and love her. This turned out to be a facade. He teased me constantly about my weight calling me awful names and yelling at me at times when I just wanted to get snack. He tried to make up for it by buying me and my sisters things like pets and video games and taking us out on a boat and to nice places.
This was a particularly hard year-my junior year in high school-because it is when my mom became ill with breast cancer. That same year, my sister had surgery and my mom went in the hospital right after that. Around this time is when she met J----. It was a fast and sudden change with all of this going on with being in school, moving in with him, and still participating in Marching Band. I ate a lot to handle the stress. And he would comment about everything I ate. If I got a snack at night, he would say I was a pig and other not so nice names.
When all of this was happening I felt like I had no one to go too. My mom was so sick. There were times when she came home from chemo and he kept her locked in their room so we could not see her. I ate my frustration away. Looking back, this is what began my downfall. Whenever times got rough, I ate. When my mom decided it was best for us to move away from J---, I ate more. And when her illness became worse, I continued to not care what I ate.
From that point on, every time things got stressful or I felt down, I would go to food. It would be my source of comfort. There are still times today where I have to fight temptation of eating bad things when I am stressed. If I am ever asked what I am eating or confronted about food, I get a little bit defensive. I am still trying to work past what J---put me through in his constant terrorism over what I ate. He had a major impact on my low self esteem, along with others at school that made fun of me.
Now, I feel like I finally love myself. There were times when I didn't and I hated how I looked. I have found a wonderful man who is so supportive in all I do. He encourages me and motivates me. And while I some times get defensive about food, he is there as my rock. Weight will always be an issue for me. I will always have to watch what I eat. But I will not let what others said or did to me in the past hold me down any more. They no longer have power over me and my actions. Only I do. With God's guidance and with the love of D---- and my family and friends, I can over come anything.
This was difficult to put out here. If anyone has ever struggled with emotional abuse, they can come to me for some one to talk to. Don't let the past define you.
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